Should you tell people that you have ADHD?

Photo by Tim Gouw at Unsplash

Who are you going to tell?

There are some of us who tell the world every thought that comes to mind, like Zoe, my client who spills the beans on everything. I wrote about her in the article, How to Deal with Idea Overload.

There are others who prefer to keep everything so close to their chests so that no one has a clue what’s going on.

Elizabeth can be a completely closed shop. Her daughter comments that she wishes she had a window into her mind so she could peep inside and see what’s going on in there.

If she had a window into her mind she would keep the shutters closed until she could be sure that her thoughts would be in safe hands.

Then she’d open up a little bit, check out whether the sun is shining and it’s safe out there before she disclosed more of herself.

Disclosure can be a tricky thing. You need to be able to trust the source of your thinking just as they need to be worthy of that trust.

Many people with or without ADHD have trouble discerning what is appropriate to disclose, and whether the person to whom you are speaking can be trusted with what you tell them.

Even our most nearest and dearest can sometimes let us down. We are all subject to human frailties.

1. Do you tell your boss and colleagues that you have ADHD?
2. Do you tell your friends personal family details?
3. Who can you trust to discuss an important concern of yours to help you make a decision about what to do next?

That prefrontal cortex in your brain that is responsible for your executive function challenges is not very good at making those decisions.

Just as we can’t go through life not trusting anyone, nor can we trust everyone.

So, how do you answer this question, Should you tell people about your ADHD?

There’s no single answer to this question as there are many facets.

Here are the key considerations IF, WHO, and HOW you tell people.

1. Telling people can alter their expectations of you and can get you labelled

Instead of people thinking that “you’re not good at planning projects”, they now think, “well what can you expect from someone with ADHD?”

People might get impatient with you.

If you come out and tell people that you have ADHD, they may look at you as being “less” or “problematic” and not see your strengths in processing things quickly and coming up with many ideas.

Everyone has strengths and weakness. Everyone. And coming out about your ADHD tendencies can get you labeled as “weak without strengths” and you’ll just be treated as “less”.

A talented manager or leader at work will seek to understand you and look to work with your talents as opposed to seeing you as a problem.

The olympic swimming champion, Michael Phelps, has made his challenges public, all of them, even the embarrassing bits. In my humble opinion he is greater for facing his demons that way and working hard at overcoming them. It takes a huge amount of courage and humility to do that. It’s not for everyone though, but isn’t it great to have a role model who has faced horrendous difficulties. He will always have ADHD, the challenges don’t disappear, but we can all grow alongside him.

2. It could help others work better with you

Now they understand why you have trouble with deadlines, and organising, and impulsivity, and maybe sitting for long in one place.

They can support you in ways that art helpful, without being condescending.

However they will still expect you to pull your weight and make a conscientious effort to manage your adhd. They will still “Challenge” you. You can’t get away with using your ADHD as an excuse for poor work habits.

3. Pick the best person to tell

Your boss or supervisor might be the best person, but might not. So if you are in a new job or are freshly diagnosed it can be a good idea to wait and see who your best mentor might be.

4. Plan the best time

not when they are busy with other things, perhaps make an appointment to sit down and have a respectful and constructive conversation about your issues, what you have difficulty with, what you are doing about it to help yourself, and where you need support.

5. How you do it is important too

You’re not throwing the responsibility for your challenges onto someone else, you are explaining what the challenges are, and what you need. Nor are you being aggressive or belligerent. You are approaching it in a spirit of goodwill and cooperation.

6. Don’t expect a perfect solution

understand that as you build trust and respect, you will get more in return. Be content with small incremental gains as you demonstrate your willingness to manage yourself.

In summary

There is no magic bullet with this one, there is an element of trial and error, and a growth in wisdom as we face this challenge together. There is a time to tell, there is the best person to tell, and approach it with goodwill and understanding.

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If you’re struggling with ADHD in life or in you career, then contact me and we can discuss some options to get you on track.

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